


Let Me Leave (Make Me Stay)

by putyournamehere



Series: Let it Rain, We Can Build a Home [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Psychosis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 00:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4500324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putyournamehere/pseuds/putyournamehere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi thought about the phone outside his door with no messages, thought about how he hadn't seen Mattsun or Makki for weeks. He thought about Oikawa always talking (when they do talk nowadays) about his new classmates and the parties he goes to. He thought of his mother being forced to raise him on her own, a boy from a marriage she never wanted.</p><p>He thought about all of this, and reached for the pills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Leave (Make Me Stay)

**Author's Note:**

> Song for the fic: Forest by Twenty One Pilots
> 
> WARNING: This fic as suicide as a key event in the fic, as well as talk of psychosis. Please be careful!
> 
> Sometimes when you're mentally ill your brain takes small things like 'oh this person is busy and hasn't spoken in a few weeks' into a continuous chant of 'they must hate me now'. It's pretty awful, and pretty common with psychosis (which can be very isolating), depression and anxiety. I just wanted to see how it would work out with iwaoi. Remember, these are based on my own experiences only. Enjoy!

_My brain has given up_  
_White flags are hoisted_  
_I took some food for thought_  
_It might be poisoned_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He didn't want to be seen. There was a beat at the back of his mind as Iwaizumi walked straight through campus, a beating that had lasted exactly 29 hours and 56 minutes. He hadn't slept. He hadn't stopped moving. He couldn't even be productive in this time while it was there, just a constant  _ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum_  like a drum announcing his funeral. At least, that's what it felt like. His head span and his stomach dropped and he felt like he was falling, spinning, falling, spinning, falling, spinning, falling-

The darkness shifted and squirmed. He wasn't falling; he was pinned, shadows digging into his shoulders and spine, working its way in between his bones and he screamed for help but only black eyes looked back, thousands and thousands of them in the walls watching him, murmuring among themselves as he was held in their grasp.

_Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum._

He twisted his neck, his arms, his legs, tried desperately to move away from the sensation of something crawling through him, tearing at his skin, tearing him apart only to be put back together with shadows tying his limbs and joints. It shifted, surrounding his mind, as if he was walking with a cloud around his head. It was both a lulling and sickening sensation at once, drawing him closer to the ground beneath (if there even was one- Hajime couldn't be sure). It was terrifying and far too familiar for his comfort. He'd been through this so many times and it never got any easier, nor any clearer; just stuck in a permanent haze that was reality. His reality. The one he was told wasn't real and yet he could feel it around him, fluid but still there, surrounding him. If this wasn't real, then what was? How was he meant to tell the difference? He couldn't even remember where he was, who he was, all of his memories seemingly out of reach; maybe they were taken on purpose, it didn't matter. Suddenly he was plummeting through the shadows and straight to to ground growing nearer and nearer and nearer until-

"Ah!"

Iwaizumi shook his head before helping the student up. "I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

"It's fine. Iwaizumi-san, isn't it? You look a little pale." 

Iwaizumi scrubbed a hand over his face before smiling. "I'm fine, don't worry about it." With that he set off, walking quickly in the other direction.

He ran the last part of the journey to his flat, ignoring the glances and worried stares (not worried - accusing. Angry. They weren't worried for him, they wanted him gone). He didn't think Sugawara would be there; he wasn't sure about sharing a flat with the former rival setter, but with them attending the same university it was practical, and he was a calming presence. But right now, Iwaizumi could only pray that he wasn't home as he burst into the flat. He looked around, checked every corner and called out three times. There was no answer but the beats, but at least he was certain he was alone (as alone as he could be; the shadows never seemed to leave him, but he'd forced himself to be comfortable with their presence). 

He was alone fairly often. It was his choice; he had made plenty of friends after leaving Seijou, but he couldn't control the shadows, or the murmuring, and he couldn't control his dissociation. It was terrifying to have so little control over yourself, so he kept to himself, far away new friends. 

And away from old friends.

Iwaizumi looked at his phone. He still expected to see texts everyday, but Oikawa was busy with his own studies, as were Mattsun and Makki. He dropped his phone outside the bathroom door and locked it behind him. He didn't want to think about it, because whenever he thought about it, it spiraled out of control and rose up and suffocated him because they don't care anymore, did they ever care? Were they ever real at all, is he dreaming, his he hallucinating is he-

He took a deep breath. 

Thinking like that always spiraled out of control. So he didn't think; he buried himself in his studies and forgot (forgot just like they did). He looked in the mirror and squinted. His reflection looked just little not right; nothing in the room looked right. He was working solely on caffeine and the world seemed completely off balance, but he just  _couldn't_   _sleep_. The beating drummed through his skull, as constant as it had been for the last 30 hours and 6 minutes. He just wanted to sleep. He just wanted it to stop.

He opened the cabinet and looked at his medication.

Logically it was a bad idea to take all those pills. He was a med student, of course he knew that you shouldn't take anymore than your prescribed dose. But he wanted to sleep so badly, he wanted to make it all go away. But logic kicked in; he would die. Or could die, at least. Overdosing on his anti psychotics was a terrible move in every way possible, and it would certainly endanger his health, not to mention the effect it would have on his mother, on his friends.

_Would they even notice?_

Iwaizumi thought about the phone outside his door with no messages, thought about how he hadn't seen Mattsun or Makki for weeks. He thought about Oikawa always talking (when they do talk nowadays) about his new classmates and the parties he goes to. He thought of his mother being forced to raise him on her own, a boy from a marriage she never wanted.

He thought about all of this, and reached for the pills.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Something happened to my imagination_  
_This situation's becoming dire_  
_My tree house is on fire_  
_And for some reason I smell gas on my hands_

 

_This is not what I had planned_

_This is not what I had planned_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oikawa glanced at his phone for the third time in ten minutes. He should really be focussing on the lecture, but clearly his mind had other ideas, playing scenario after scenario in his head.

It had been a while since he'd last spoken to Iwaizumi, let alone seen him, and as great as it was to be so independant in this new stage of his life, his heart was steadily builidng up a constant ache inside of him. No one could ever replace Iwaizumi, on the court and by his side, and he direly wanted to feel Iwaizumi next to him again. If only he could work up the courage to text (knowing he wanted more, knowing that this feeling was well past friendship).

Oikawa was nudged out of his thoughts as the lecture finished, and Daichi shook him.

"It's unusual to see you so unfocused." Daichi said. It was a statement rather than a question, but he answered anyway.

"I'm already ahead in my studies ya know. Maybe you should be paying attention instead of looking at me, but I know how hard that can be." He batted he eyelashes as Daichi scoffed, and they moved out of the lecture room.

It was strange having Karasuno's captain as his team mate now, but he couldn't deny the strong skills and personality he bought to the team, reliable as ever. He made good company, and Oikawa enjoyed the competition, so they spent much of their time at university together, as well as with Nekoma's old captain, whom they were currently seeking out.

Daichi stopped for a moment and turned o him.

"Hey Oikawa, how's Iwaizumi been?"

Oikawa blinked.  "What do you mean?"

Daichi looked unsure of himself, a rare sight, and suddenly Oikawa was on edge.

"It's just..." Daichi worried his lip before sighing, "Suga think he's seemed a little...off recently."

"Off?"

"Not himself." Daichi shoved his hands in his pockets. "Suga was just really worried for some reason and wondered if you knew anything about it."

Oikawa paused, thinking back to the previous year when Iwaizumi revealed his mental health problems. The way he acted back then, as if he wasn't himself. But he was meant to be recovering, wasn't he?

Oikawa's mouth was suddenly dry. The last time Iwaizumi 'wasn't himself' he nearly jumped off of a building. If he was acting the same way now...

Iwaizumi's flat was about a half hour journey by train. He could make it before evening.

"I have to go, tell Kuroo I'll see him tomorrow, yeah?"

Daichi nodded knowingly, and waved him off. He walked briskly to the station, refusing to run. Iwaizumi would never let it go if he ran all the way to his flat on a false alarm.

_But what if it's not a false alarm?_

Oikawa swallowed and shot off a text to Iwaizumi. Ten minutes later he was on the train, and still there was no response.

Twenty minutes later the man next to him moved to avoid his nervous fidgeting, and there was still no response.

Twenty five minutes later he shot off a second text, as well as one to Daichi to call Sugawara, and there was still no response.

Thirty minutes later he was off the train, keeping his footsteps steady and as calm as he could manage as he made his way to the small flat. He wanted to run, but he also hoped that he was just acting out of silly worry, that he'd end up at the flat and Iwaizumi would be there to greet him with a frown for coming with such little notice, and that he'd be welcomed in and Iwaizumi would be okay.

He stopped outside the door and knocked, and belatedly realised that the door was always unlocked and open. He bit his lip and forced himself to walk inside.

"Iwa-chan? You in here? I'm here to grace you with my presence!" It was a weak attempt to calm himself down as he dropped his bag at the door. He ventured in, slowly scanning the apartment before going to the cracked phone at the bathroom door.

"Iwa-chan?" There was no answer, but the light was inside.

"Iwa-chan?" This time there was rustling, and what Oikawa thought was the sound of heaving. The panic was soon to set in.

"I'm coming in." He opened the door and found Iwaizumi clutching the toliet bowl, resting his head on the side as he breathed, heaving. Oikawa dropped to his side.

"Iwa-chan, what's wrong?" Iwaizumi didn't look at him as Oikawa brushed away the hair that stuck to his forehead. "Are you ill?"

Iwaizumi turned his head away and Oikawa stained to hear him. "You shouldn't be here, Oikawa."

He frowned. "Why not?" Iwaizumi didn't reply, just began heaving again. Oikawa whispered soothing words to him, rubbing his back gently until he noticed several empty pill packets on the floor under the sink, and his blood ran cold.

"Did you take all of those?" He looked at Iwaizumi, but again he didn't reply. "Hajime. Did you take all of those pills?" He murmured something into his arm. "Huh?"

"Twenty-eight. I took twenty eight. Washed it down with some bleach." 

It took a moment for Oikawa to process the weight of that admission. The unanswered questions sprung up first, the  _why, why would you do that?_ A moment later came the clear cut fear that had him grasping for Iwaizumi's phone nearby and dialing for the ambulance. 

"Don't bother with that." Iwaizumi muttered. Oikawa ignored him, instead grabbing his hand and talking into the speaker. He told them the facts, and kept his voice level, but his grip on Iwaizumi's hand was like iron, like it was the only thing holding him there. Honestly, it _was_ the only thing holding him there; he wanted to scream, and cry, and run away and stay all at once. He wanted to  _understand._ _  
_

But he couldn't. He didn't even know what happened. He supposed it was a blessing he decided to act on a potential false alarm, other Iwaizumi could of ended up-

_No. Don't say that._

Oikawa took a deep breath and look back at Iwaizumi, to find him staring blearily. 

"Shouldn't you be in class?"

Oikawa almost laughed. Of course he'd still be worrying about Oikawa, even now. "I have the rest of the day off, so I can spend it with you Iwa-chan." That got a small smile out of him, but he seemed to be staring at something beyond Oikawa. He looked around to find nothing there, but Iwaizumi was transfixed before his gaze snapped back to Oikawa.

"Sorry. Shadows." 

Ah. The shadows. "You know they're not real, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizum scowled, "They're real to me."  

Oikawa reached for a tissue and began cleaning Iwaizumi up. "But they're not  _real._ " 

"Does it matter? I can still feel them, Oikawa. I can see them and feel them and hear them, does it matter whether they're actually real or not?" Oikawa paused. 

"I guess not." It was that same situation of not being able to understand, not being able to help. He wanted to reach in and drag Iwaizumi away from whatever shadows held him, and whatever voices whispered malice into his ears, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything to help. 

Iwaizumi stared at him for a moment, as if he knew what Oikawa was thinking. "Just stay."

He nodded. "Okay."

Iwaizumi smiled, if only for a second, and that was enough for Oikawa while they waited for the ambulance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_I don't wanna be heard_

_I wanna be listened to_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I can't believe you flirted your way in here, Trasykawa." 

Oikawa just grinned and winked. "Anything for you, Iwa-chan!" Iwaizumi just groaned and let his head drop back on the pillow. It had been a week since he'd been admitted to hospital, and Oikawa was, once again, in his room past visiting hours. It wasn't that he minded, but he wasn't going to be held responsible with the staff found him, long limbs spread uncomfortably in the chair next to the bed. 

"I'm being discharged tomorrow, couldn't you wait to see me then?"

Oikawa laced his hand with Iwaizumi's. "Why can't I see you then and now?"

Iwaizumi sighed, "You're going to be so behind on your school work. And I never thought I'd say that, but you need to practice volleyball more rather than sneaking up here every day."

"Hm, maybe, but we both know that I'd rather spend my time with my precious Iwa-chan!" 

They fell into a comfortable silence, listening to the sounds of the hospital while Oikawa rubbed his thumb over Iwaizumi's palm. 

"Hey, Iwa-chan?"

"Hm?"

"When is your next therapy session?"

Iwaizumi looked at him. "Next week. Why?"

Oikawa shrugged and looked at his shoes. "I thought, I mean if you want to that is, that um," he sighed. "I thought maybe it'd help if I accompanied you?" He dared a look at Iwaizumi's face, which was contorted in confusion. "Hajime, I know you don't tell the therapist as much as you should."

"Hey! I tell them everything." Oikawa stared him down. "Most things." He corrected. Oikawa shook his head, stifling a laugh.

"I knew it." Iwaizumi just stuck his tongue out, before they settled back into a moment of silence again.

"But...yeah. I'd appreciate it."

Oikawa grasped his hand more tightly. "It's a date then!"

"Dumbass, what kind of date is that?"

"I can take you out properly afterwards?"

"You better."

"Mean, Iwa-chan!" The old habits were comfortable, but both of them felt the giddy excitement. Iwaizumi settled himself more comfortable into the pillows. There were no shadows in the room, and for the first time in while, his head felt clearer.

Perhaps life wasn't as twisted at the darkness made it out to be (and maybe he could keep forging his path in the world, side by side with the one he cared about most.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Stay safe everyone If you want to find me I'm at metaphorical-pie (tumblr) and metaphoricloud (twitter)


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